Amanda Bynes still claims she’s drug-free, Surprise- Roman Polanski is not a feminist, & Michelle Bachmann’s post Congress plans

Former child star Amanda Bynes is threatening to sue the NYPD, claiming she was sexually assaulted while be falsely arrested for drug possession. After many reporting they have seen the actress smoking marijuana and the cops saying she threw a bong out her window when they came to arrest her, Bynes insists she has never done drugs. Honey, in one weekend you’ve threatened the NYPD, possibly started a Twitter war with Rhianna, and even Courtney Love is telling you to get a hold of yourself, all while wearing a wig you got from the dollar store, at this point saying you’re on drugs will work in your favor.

Director Roman Polanski recently said he feels the birth control pill has masculated today’s woman and that the leveling of the sexes is idiotic. Sorry that protecting our bodies makes us ladies less rapable to you Roman Polanski, we’ll work on that.

Minnesota Congresswoman Michelle Bachmann announced that she will not seek reelection saying that she believes eight years is long enough for anyone to be in one political position but we know the real reason she’s stepping down is so she can solve mysteries with fellow out of work politician, Sarah Palin.

A man in Maine kidnapped a women with the intent to be herald as a hero when he saved her later, only to accidentally kill her. Well, on the bright side, Dude, now that you’re going to jail. you’re definitely going to get laid, just probably not the way you were hoping to.

Zac Hanson, the youngest member of the pop group Hanson, will be a father for the third time. This will be the tenth child for the musical brothers and another step in their plan to have an army of Hanson super men enslave us all.