Rich people ruin Disney, Kim is going to follow Kanye around the world, and Chris Brown continues to be the biggest dick alive.
Lindsay Lohan wants to save the children of the world, useless people want more money for being useless, & Bieber thinks apartheid was totally lame.
Rapper Vanilla Ice will star in a new reality show called “Vanilla Ice Goes Amish” where the former star will live with “no frills, no music, and no power tools”. Vanilla Ice, just because you’re broke, doesn’t mean you’re Amish. It just means you’re a has-been.
Chris Brown’s father recently told the Daily News that he disapproves of his son getting back together with his ex Rihanna. I can understand why he wouldn’t like Rihanna, she seems to like to party, her lyrics are very sexual, she’s always smashing her face into his son’s face. Almost anyone would seem like a better match.
Proving once again she always has her priorities in order, Lindsay Lohan claims to have packed almost three hundred different outfits for her 90 day rehab stay. This had her rethink her choice of rehab facility as the one she planned on attending has a limit on how much luggage one can bring with you. I’m with Lindsay on this one. How can she be expected to focus on recovery when everyone around her has all ready seen her in that outfit?
CNN, in an attempt to help viewers visualize the prison cell the surviving Boston bomber is currently staying in, set up a small tent on the street, with Wolf Blitzer regularly going to the tent for updates. CNN, you gotta let this one go! The Boston Bombing is your white buffalo, the more you go after it, the worse you look. I know this is a big story but other things are going on, maybe focus on them for a little while before you solidify your status as the Honey Boo-Boo of cable news.
In a recent interview, President Obama said he has threatened his daughters that if they ever get tattoos, then he and Michelle will get tattoos too. This could lead Obama to not only be the first black president, but the first president to have a tramp stamp.
A recent study showed that only 1 in 5 Americans get enough exercise. The other 80% waiting to exercise when they are big enough to be a Biggest Loser contestant.
Former governor and VP hopeful Sarah Palin accused Democrats of exploiting the Newton tragedy to push gun control. Yeah, Democrats, tragedies can only be exploited if terrorism is involved or someone can find a way to blame it on the gays. Learn the rules!
In a recent interview Justin Bieber said he worries if a girl asked him out, it would damage his masculinity. He does realize 2 in 3 lesbians are mistaken for him and he’s been waxing his brows since he grew out his bangs? His masculinity isn’t just damaged; it’s been in a coma for five years.
Jason’s Collins ex-fiancé Carolyn Moos is furious with him for coming out, claiming the basketball star stole eight years of her child-bearing life and is planning to freeze her eggs so she is ready for when Mr. Right comes along. Moos says her dream date is spending the day shopping, then go see a Broadway musical, and then wrap up the night by splitting a bottle of wine and watching a Real Housewives marathon so guys get in line!
Internet star Antoine Dodson claims he is no longer gay and wants to settle down and start a family, saying a recent conversion to Judaism caused the change of heart. Hey, Carolyn Moos, I hear somebody’s single!
A teacher in Texas accused of fondling a young student says she cannot be guilty because the child is black and she avoids even hugging her black students out of prejudice. Oh, so you’re not a child molester but you are a racist, oh go right ahead and continue teaching our youth.
In a recent interview, former president George W. Bush said it’s been hard adjusting to life after the presidency saying, “one day you’re being briefed on world affairs and asked to make decisions, and the next, you’re in Crawford, Texas … and the biggest decision is when do you go mountain bike riding.” Let’s be fair Mr. President, even when you were commander in chief, you were still mostly thinking about mountain biking.
A Maine man known as the North Pond Hermit who is currently in jail after stealing food from a camp for those with special needs and has lived in the woods with seemingly no human contact in almost thirty years, has received a marriage proposal. Meanwhile, an accountant with three cats has just updated his JDate profile.
Teen Mom star Farrah Abrahams is telling reports she never attended to make a sex tape with porn star James Deen, but had originally hired Deen and a film crew to film a wedding video. Wow, don’t you just hate when the imaginary wedding video you make with a film crew and an adult film actor you just met because just another disgusting sex tape? I can’t tell you how many innocent wedding videos I’ve tried to film only to have them suddenly get all porny on me.
Sharon Osbourne was seen without her wedding ring while moving into a new home sparking rumors that she was parting ways with her rocker husband Ozzy Osbourne. He’s cheated on her, done drugs, he even bit the head off a live bird, what could he do to piss Sharon off, remember her birthday?
During her divorce proceedings Kim Kardashian admitted she spends more time away from boyfriend Kanye West than with him.This news was followed by rumors that the two are fighting because Kanye wants to live in Paris, while Kardashian does not want to leave her family and reality show in LA. Wow, if these fame obsessed, attention whores can’t make it work, what hope do any of us have?
Barney creator Sheryl Leach is being sued by a neighbor for letting her mentally unstable twenty-seven year old son own a gun. Wow, childhood is being murder one beloved character at a time. Barney has a crazy gun wielding son, Elmo’s having sex with teenage boys, what next, we’re going to find out Mr. Rogers wear all those sweaters to hide track marks?
A man in Tacoma has been charged with bigamy after Facebook suggested his first wife become friends with his other wife in their “People You May Know” feature. Stranger still, this is not the first time this has happen, giving Facebook the official title of “Worst wingman ever”.
Ohio lawmakers have added an amendment to a budget bill making it illegal for schools to teach any form of sex ed because studies show nothing gets teenagers going like their middle aged health teacher awkwardly describing how a penis works.
Conservative pundit Glenn Reynolds tweeted at former congresswomen and shooting victim Gabby Giffords “Try more respect and reason, less emotional bullying next time” in regards to gun control, because if there’s a group who knows for bullying, it’s women who’ve been shot in the head.
Hey, I’m not dead just been plotting my next move, which will be weekly podcasts featuring my, hopefully, humerous take on the events of the week. Take a listen!
Not that I was expecting much from Lifetime’s latest made for tv movie Liz & Dick, but I feel like the entire project can be summed up with one important detail, the Burtons were known for indulgent lifestyle and in preparation for Who’s Afraid of Virginia Wolf, Taylor packed on the pounds and struggled afterwards to lose the weight, however, when this time period is dramatized in the movie, no effort is made to simulate Taylor’s weight gain, they just make a point of saying she’s gotten kind of chubby with no visible evidence to back this up. This telling without showing plagues the project and Lohan’s phoned-in portrayal of the legendary screen goddess tells you all you need to know about the future of her comeback.
Lifetime decided to frame the story as being told by Taylor and Burton in heaven set up as if they are giving an interview (with God I guess?). This device adds nothing, as they often just confirm facts the audience should have picked up from the previous scene- after showing their rocky introduction they say they didn’t like each other at first… duh! After Burton refuses to attend the Oscars out of fear of losing again, Taylor says she understood how he felt but worried he was going to miss his change of accepting his award in person… duh! When Burton’s brother becomes paralyzed after falling down their stairs when tending to their house for them, Burton says he always blamed himself for his brother’s injury and eventual death… duh! The entire devise could be removed from the movie and nothing would be different. The story is also oddly paced. They go from disliking each other to being madly in love so quickly, and with so little explanation that I wondered if I passed out momentarily and missed something. Their fights are always anticlimactic and their reconciliations so quick it’s like nothing has happened at all. And while this is supposed to tell the story of their epic love, the reasoning behind their first divorce are so rushed it’s like the two were playing relationship chicken. You come away seeing them as nothing more than spoiled children, who only stayed together as long as they did because Taylor made sure he didn’t make a movie without her for ten years, knowing he would bang whatever actress played opposite him. Some romance!
Everything about Lohan’s performance tells you why her career has struggled so much over the years. This is her big chance at a comeback and she couldn’t even be bothered to maybe watch one or two of Taylor’s films and try to work on an accent. It comes off like she thinks all she has to do is show up in a movie and America will welcome her back with open arms, but if she wants to change her image she needs to do more than play dress up. I felt bad for Grant Bowler who plays Burton and much of the rest of the cast who do their best to try to rise above the poor script and their misguided leading lady. Hopefully these legends will get their story told in a higher quality production and the cast members who tried here are not held back by having this on their resumes.