Pastor Wants to Save the Men of the World From Porn

A Florida pastor urges men to destroy their computers in order to live porn free. Yes, because without computers, there’s no way men can get porn. There’s no magazines, or dvds, or apps for your phone, or special tv channels. Dude’s plan is solid.

New Documents Show Catholic Church Pay Offs

Recently release documents show that Milwaukee archdiocese has paid off victims of sexual abuse by priest over the past eight decades which has driven them into bankruptcy. The Catholic church has spent three billion dollars silencing victims and admits to missteps in handling incidents of sexual abuse. Missteps, you think? You basically gave a dog three billion dollars to repeatedly shit on the rug.

Gun Supporter Envokes MLK

While speaking at a gun show, Conservative pundit Dana Loesch said she was reminded of civil rights hero Martin Luther King Jr and hoped that gun owners would one day be judged by the strength of their character and not the content of their magazines. You know who I think would judge you by the content of your magazine, Martin Luther King Jr. Because he was shot to death.

Paris disses Justin, Paula Deen’s Southern Fried Racism, & Kim and Kayne Win the Bad Baby Name Olympics

Actor Charlie Sheen has reportedly threatened to quit his FX show Anger Management if co-star Selma Blair isn’t fired. Sheen is furious with Blair for telling crew members he has a poor work ethic. In a related incident, Sheen demanded a boom operator be fired for saying the sky is blue.

While in the hospital, Paris Jackson said she hates Justin Bieber and thinks he’s a poor role model for his fans. Yeah, he’s been famous, how long, and he hasn’t been accused of molesting one kid yet. What’s the deal Bieber?

Paula Deen was in court this week facing charges of creating a racially discriminatory workplace. Deen admitted to using the N word in the past, but swears she never referred to her workers that way and says she never used the word in a mean way. Oh, so you used one of the most hateful words in the English language but you meant it in a friendly way, ok!

In a recent interview with Rolling Stone, Serena Williams questioned what the Stuebenville rape victim was doing getting so drunk. The tennis star has recently apologized for what she supposedly said but Rolling Stone stands by the quote, saying Williams was recorded for the interview. Translation: I’m sorry I offended people, but I didn’t think they would print the ignorant thing I said while being taped.

At a recent event for the Trevor Project, an organization providing suicide prevention support for LGBT youth, Jersey Shore star Snooki said she hopes her infant son Lorenzo grows up to be gay. Oh, Honey, with the amount of drunken Mommy crotch shots this kid has in his future, there’s no way he’s going to be into women.

House Majority Leader Mitch McConnell finds it absurd that democrats are against a bill allowing corporations the same rights as people. However, to be fair, Republicans are against half the human population from having rights, so it kind of evens out.

According to reports, Kanye West banned the Keeping Up With the Kardashians camera crew from the delivery room while girlfriend Kim Kardashian gave birth to their daughter. The only camera allowed belonged to Kim’s mother Kris who swears she will only share the footage with family. Oh, Kanye, you really don’t know the Kardashians very well. America is their family.
According to multiple reports, Kim Kardashian has named her newborn daughter North West. Oh, oh, Kim. That is going to get old quick, but, then again, so if this entire motherhood thing.

Rumor has it that the name North had been chosen after Vogue editor-in-chief Anna Wintour told the couple she liked the name. Kim, Anna Wintour is not your friend. She wasn’t giving her blessing, she was punking you!
Those who grew up in the 90s might remember a children’s film called “North” about a kid who divorces his neglectful parents, making North West the first person to ever have her biopic made before she was born.

Farrah makes friends, Lindsay moves out, & Kim moves in with Mommy

Farrah Abraham recently attempted to court star Charlie Sheen, inviting him out via text messages that she then shared with the public via twitter. The star, now known best for his porn star and drugged filled personal life told her to lose his number in a rant where he calls the Teen Mom a desperate guzzler of stagnant douche agua. Wow, Farrah, you out declassed Charlie Sheen, that’s kind of an achievement.

NSA whistleblower Eric Snowden may receive political asylum from Russia. Hey, Snowden, I don’t know if you heard about this other thing in the news, drones. Good luck with all that.

Prior to the birth of her first child, Kim Kardashian has moved back in with her mom Kris Jenner. Wow Kanye, moving in with the mom of the girlfriend you knocked up after six months after dating her, when did you become the Ritalin dealer that lives down the street from my parents?

After signing what is known as the “Merry Christmas” Bill an effort to stop the War on Christmas, Texas governor Rick Perry said “Freedom of religion does not mean freedom from religion” saying the Constitution does not forbid religious expression. State senator Robert Nichols quoted Jefferson saying “price of liberty is eternal vigilance” saying removing Christmas trees from schools is an invasion of our freedoms. That Jefferson guy also had this whole separation of church and state thing he was really big about. Ever hear of that?

Lindsay Lohan has recently left the Betty Ford clinic to continue her treatment at Cliffside in Malibu. Sources say the Lohan was difficult while at the clinic demanding to be given her Adderall. Why can’t the people at the Betty Ford clinic understand that Lindsay needs her Adderall and can’t live without it and if they just give her Adderall everything will be fine!

Amanda Bynes still claims she’s drug-free, Surprise- Roman Polanski is not a feminist, & Michelle Bachmann’s post Congress plans

Former child star Amanda Bynes is threatening to sue the NYPD, claiming she was sexually assaulted while be falsely arrested for drug possession. After many reporting they have seen the actress smoking marijuana and the cops saying she threw a bong out her window when they came to arrest her, Bynes insists she has never done drugs. Honey, in one weekend you’ve threatened the NYPD, possibly started a Twitter war with Rhianna, and even Courtney Love is telling you to get a hold of yourself, all while wearing a wig you got from the dollar store, at this point saying you’re on drugs will work in your favor.

Director Roman Polanski recently said he feels the birth control pill has masculated today’s woman and that the leveling of the sexes is idiotic. Sorry that protecting our bodies makes us ladies less rapable to you Roman Polanski, we’ll work on that.

Minnesota Congresswoman Michelle Bachmann announced that she will not seek reelection saying that she believes eight years is long enough for anyone to be in one political position but we know the real reason she’s stepping down is so she can solve mysteries with fellow out of work politician, Sarah Palin.

A man in Maine kidnapped a women with the intent to be herald as a hero when he saved her later, only to accidentally kill her. Well, on the bright side, Dude, now that you’re going to jail. you’re definitely going to get laid, just probably not the way you were hoping to.

Zac Hanson, the youngest member of the pop group Hanson, will be a father for the third time. This will be the tenth child for the musical brothers and another step in their plan to have an army of Hanson super men enslave us all.

Bieber demands respect, Brad Pitt will forget your fan, and the Jersey Shore is back in business


After winning the fan-voted on Milestone Award at the Billboard Music Award, Justin  Bieber received boos declaring himself an artist that should be respected. Hon, your most famous song has a chorus that’s just “Baby, Baby, Baby Oh!”, if you’re an artist, you’re the guy who tries to pass the blank canvas as a polar bear walking through a blizzard.


Twilight stars Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson have broken up. The two decided to call it quits when they realized they didn’t have any more Twilight movies to make and therefore are no longer contractually required to date each other.


Oklahoma senator James Inhofe is requesting federal aid for victims of this week’s tornado, despite voting against a bill for Sandy relief earlier, saying his request for funds is totally different. You see, this natural disaster effects people that vote for him, so it’s very important they get their money.  


Senator Rand Paul is demanding that Congress apologize to Apple for investigating how the technology giant avoided paying any taxes saying that he was offended that the government was bullying one of our country’s biggest success stories. The Tea Party darling asked what did Apple do that was illegal. Umm, they didn’t pay their taxes. You didn’t seem so upset when Wesley Snipes and Lauren Hill went to jail for not paying their taxes, just saying.


Kim Kardashian sent friends and family music boxes playing Kanye’s song “Hey Mama” as invitations to her upcoming baby shower because nothing says class like a music box invitation to the baby shower of a woman know chiefly for a sex tape that plays a song by the dude who knocked her up.


The FDA has approved a study to examine the effects of the ecstasy on adults suffering from social anxiety. Scientists believe the drug could provide therapeutic results for patients or, at the very least, everybody likes the guy who’s got ecstasy.


In a recent interview Brad Pitt admitted he is terrible at remember faces and frequently insults people when he fails to recognize them. So basically if you want to stalk Brad Pitt, just tell him you’re Maddox, he’ll probably believe you.


The Boy Scouts of America voted to lift the ban on gay scouts, however, gay leaders are still forbidden by the organization which sends a clear message that you can be gay when it’s cute and harmless but on your eighteenth birthday you just get icky again.


Cleveland hero Charles Ramsey was rewarded by McDonald’s with a year of free food after admitting that he was eating a Big Mac when he discovered the three kidnapped women in his neighbor’s house. Not to be out done, over a dozen local restaurants have agreed to give Ramsey free burgers for life. This just in from the future, Cleveland hero Charles Ramsey has died from a burger induced heart attack.


Governor Chris Christie officially opened the Jersey Shore for the summer, seven months after Sandy severely damaged the region. Christie says that visitors will see that eighty percent of the Shore is back to normal, he even sprinkled the beach with used syringes so regulars will feel right at home.