Darth Vader Runs Through Death Valley

A professional runner, who favors running in the extreme heat, ran a mile in 129 degree weather while dressed as Darth Vader. Afterwards, the runner warned only trained professional to try a similar stunt. But considering he’s a grown man who owns a Darth Vader costume, it’s probably a good idea to not try anything he does, yourself.

Advertisements

New Documents Show Catholic Church Pay Offs


Recently release documents show that Milwaukee archdiocese has paid off victims of sexual abuse by priest over the past eight decades which has driven them into bankruptcy. The Catholic church has spent three billion dollars silencing victims and admits to missteps in handling incidents of sexual abuse. Missteps, you think? You basically gave a dog three billion dollars to repeatedly shit on the rug.

Farrah makes friends, Lindsay moves out, & Kim moves in with Mommy

null
Farrah Abraham recently attempted to court star Charlie Sheen, inviting him out via text messages that she then shared with the public via twitter. The star, now known best for his porn star and drugged filled personal life told her to lose his number in a rant where he calls the Teen Mom a desperate guzzler of stagnant douche agua. Wow, Farrah, you out declassed Charlie Sheen, that’s kind of an achievement.

NSA whistleblower Eric Snowden may receive political asylum from Russia. Hey, Snowden, I don’t know if you heard about this other thing in the news, drones. Good luck with all that.

Prior to the birth of her first child, Kim Kardashian has moved back in with her mom Kris Jenner. Wow Kanye, moving in with the mom of the girlfriend you knocked up after six months after dating her, when did you become the Ritalin dealer that lives down the street from my parents?

After signing what is known as the “Merry Christmas” Bill an effort to stop the War on Christmas, Texas governor Rick Perry said “Freedom of religion does not mean freedom from religion” saying the Constitution does not forbid religious expression. State senator Robert Nichols quoted Jefferson saying “price of liberty is eternal vigilance” saying removing Christmas trees from schools is an invasion of our freedoms. That Jefferson guy also had this whole separation of church and state thing he was really big about. Ever hear of that?

Lindsay Lohan has recently left the Betty Ford clinic to continue her treatment at Cliffside in Malibu. Sources say the Lohan was difficult while at the clinic demanding to be given her Adderall. Why can’t the people at the Betty Ford clinic understand that Lindsay needs her Adderall and can’t live without it and if they just give her Adderall everything will be fine!

Bieber in Space, Joe Francis Gone Wild, & Don’t Touch Rhianna’s lipstick


A woman is suing Rhianna claiming the singer’s RiRi Woo lipstick gave her herpes, saying free samples given out at a recent concert were used by multiple people, causing her to be infected. “Right, she got herpes from the lipstick, that’s it,” says the woman’s boyfriend.

A judge finalized the divorce of Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries, over a year and a half after the reality star filed to end their 72 day old marriage. Kardashian can now focus on ending her relationship with baby daddy Kanye West. Kanye, her divorce lasted seven times as long as her marriage, you’re having a kid with her, you better pack a lunch, because you’re in for quite the ride when this relationship goes in the crapper.

Katy Perry and John Mayer were seen canoodling over the weekend, sparking rumors they’re giving romance a third try. You know what, I don’t hate on this couple, they are keeping the herpes in the family and I respect that.

Girls Gone Wild founder Joe Francis is frantically trying to stop the release of a sex tape featuring him and his current girlfriend. Francis does not want the public seeing something so private but after a few jell-o shots and a free t-shirt maybe he’ll change his mind.

Billionaire Richard Branson announced that Justin Bieber and his manger has booked seats on Virgin Galactic, which allows tourists to explore space. While Branson is planning on sending the pop star into orbit, the rest of us our trying to figure out how to get him to stay there.

Amanda Bynes still claims she’s drug-free, Surprise- Roman Polanski is not a feminist, & Michelle Bachmann’s post Congress plans

null
Former child star Amanda Bynes is threatening to sue the NYPD, claiming she was sexually assaulted while be falsely arrested for drug possession. After many reporting they have seen the actress smoking marijuana and the cops saying she threw a bong out her window when they came to arrest her, Bynes insists she has never done drugs. Honey, in one weekend you’ve threatened the NYPD, possibly started a Twitter war with Rhianna, and even Courtney Love is telling you to get a hold of yourself, all while wearing a wig you got from the dollar store, at this point saying you’re on drugs will work in your favor.

Director Roman Polanski recently said he feels the birth control pill has masculated today’s woman and that the leveling of the sexes is idiotic. Sorry that protecting our bodies makes us ladies less rapable to you Roman Polanski, we’ll work on that.

Minnesota Congresswoman Michelle Bachmann announced that she will not seek reelection saying that she believes eight years is long enough for anyone to be in one political position but we know the real reason she’s stepping down is so she can solve mysteries with fellow out of work politician, Sarah Palin.

A man in Maine kidnapped a women with the intent to be herald as a hero when he saved her later, only to accidentally kill her. Well, on the bright side, Dude, now that you’re going to jail. you’re definitely going to get laid, just probably not the way you were hoping to.

Zac Hanson, the youngest member of the pop group Hanson, will be a father for the third time. This will be the tenth child for the musical brothers and another step in their plan to have an army of Hanson super men enslave us all.

May 7 2013- Vanilla Ice’s Amish Adventure, Bieber’s Masculinity, & Obama’s Potential Tramp Stamp

Image

Rapper Vanilla Ice will star in a new reality show called “Vanilla Ice Goes Amish” where the former star will live with “no frills, no music, and no power tools”. Vanilla Ice, just because you’re broke, doesn’t mean you’re Amish. It just means you’re a has-been.

Image

Chris Brown’s father recently told the Daily News that he disapproves of his son getting back together with his ex Rihanna. I can understand why he wouldn’t like Rihanna, she seems to like to party, her lyrics are very sexual, she’s always smashing her face into his son’s face. Almost anyone would seem like a better match.

Image

Proving once again she always has her priorities in order, Lindsay Lohan claims to have packed almost three hundred different outfits for her 90 day rehab stay. This had her rethink her choice of rehab facility as the one she planned on attending has a limit on how much luggage one can bring with you. I’m with Lindsay on this one. How can she be expected to focus on recovery when everyone around her has all ready seen her in that outfit?

Image

CNN, in an attempt to help viewers visualize the prison cell the surviving Boston bomber is currently staying in, set up a small tent on the street, with Wolf Blitzer regularly going to the tent for updates. CNN, you gotta let this one go! The Boston Bombing is your white buffalo, the more you go after it, the worse you look. I know this is a big story but other things are going on, maybe focus on them for a little while before you solidify your status as the Honey Boo-Boo of cable news.

Image

In a recent interview, President Obama said he has threatened his daughters that if they ever get tattoos, then he and Michelle will get tattoos too. This could lead Obama to not only be the first black president, but the first president to have a tramp stamp.

Image

A recent study showed that only 1 in 5 Americans get enough exercise. The other 80% waiting to exercise when they are big enough to be a Biggest Loser contestant.

Image

Former governor and VP hopeful Sarah Palin accused Democrats of exploiting the Newton tragedy to push gun control. Yeah, Democrats, tragedies can only be exploited if terrorism is involved or someone can find a way to blame it on the gays. Learn the rules!

Image

In a recent interview Justin Bieber said he worries if a girl asked him out, it would damage his masculinity. He does realize 2 in 3 lesbians are mistaken for him and he’s been waxing his brows since he grew out his bangs? His masculinity isn’t just damaged; it’s been in a coma for five years.

Image

Jason’s Collins ex-fiancé Carolyn Moos is furious with him for coming out, claiming the basketball star stole eight years of her child-bearing life and is planning to freeze her eggs so she is ready for when Mr. Right comes along. Moos says her dream date is spending the day shopping, then go see a Broadway musical, and then wrap up the night by splitting a bottle of wine and watching a Real Housewives marathon so guys get in line!

Image

Internet star Antoine Dodson claims he is no longer gay and wants to settle down and start a family, saying a recent conversion to Judaism caused the change of heart. Hey, Carolyn Moos, I hear somebody’s single!

Image

A teacher in Texas accused of fondling a young student says she cannot be guilty because the child is black and she avoids even hugging her black students out of prejudice. Oh, so you’re not a child molester but you are a racist, oh go right ahead and continue teaching our youth.

Image

In a recent interview, former president George W. Bush said it’s been hard adjusting to life after the presidency saying, “one day you’re being briefed on world affairs and asked to make decisions, and the next, you’re in Crawford, Texas … and the biggest decision is when do you go mountain bike riding.” Let’s be fair Mr. President, even when you were commander in chief, you were still mostly thinking about mountain biking.

Image

A Maine man known as the North Pond Hermit who is currently in jail after stealing food from a camp for those with special needs and has lived in the woods with seemingly no human contact in almost thirty years, has received a marriage proposal. Meanwhile, an accountant with three cats has just updated his JDate profile.

Image

Teen Mom star Farrah Abrahams is telling reports she never attended to make a sex tape with porn star James Deen, but had originally hired Deen and a film crew to film a wedding video. Wow, don’t you just hate when the imaginary wedding video you make with a film crew and an adult film actor you just met because just another disgusting sex tape? I can’t tell you how many innocent wedding videos I’ve tried to film only to have them suddenly get all porny on me.

Image

Sharon Osbourne was seen without her wedding ring while moving into a new home sparking rumors that she was parting ways with her rocker husband Ozzy Osbourne. He’s cheated on her, done drugs, he even bit the head off a live bird, what could he do to piss Sharon off, remember her birthday?

Image

During her divorce proceedings Kim Kardashian admitted she spends more time away from boyfriend Kanye West than with him.This news was followed by rumors that the two are fighting because Kanye wants to live in Paris, while Kardashian does not want to leave her family and reality show in LA. Wow, if these fame obsessed, attention whores can’t make it work, what hope do any of us have?

Image

Barney creator Sheryl Leach is being sued by a neighbor for letting her mentally unstable twenty-seven year old son own a gun. Wow, childhood is being murder one beloved character at a time. Barney has a crazy gun wielding son, Elmo’s having sex with teenage boys, what next, we’re going to find out Mr. Rogers wear all those sweaters to hide track marks?

Image

A man in Tacoma has been charged with bigamy after Facebook suggested his first wife become friends with his other wife in their “People You May Know” feature. Stranger still, this is not the first time this has happen, giving Facebook the official title of “Worst wingman ever”.

Image

Ohio lawmakers have added an amendment to a budget bill making it illegal for schools to teach any form of sex ed because studies show nothing gets teenagers going like their middle aged health teacher awkwardly describing how a penis works.

Image

Conservative pundit Glenn Reynolds tweeted at former congresswomen and shooting victim Gabby Giffords “Try more respect and reason, less emotional bullying next time” in regards to gun control, because if there’s a group who knows for bullying, it’s women who’ve been shot in the head.