Kim Punks her Friends, Paula Continues to Flail, & Alec Baldwin Reminds Us He Can Be A Jerk

Kim Kardashian apparently sent fake pictures of her newborn baby to friends and is shocked to discover that one of the recipients tried to sell the photo to the media. The nerve of some people! If anyone is going to exploit little North West, it’s going to be her mother or grandmother or one of her aunts! The line’s long so get to the end of it traitor!

Paula Deen said in an interview with Matt Lauer that it “makes her skin crawl” to hear young black men call each other the N word. Well, I’m sorry Paula that you get the case of the sads when you hear others hear the forbidden word you long to call them.

Shortly after it was announced that the Supreme Court ruled DOMA unconstitutional, actress Kristen Bell proposed to boyfriend Dax Shepard, after saying she would not marry until gay marriage was legal nationwide, because that’s what so many have been fighting so long for, the right for Kristen Bell to marry her heterosexual baby daddy.

Martha Stewart recently admitted on Bravo’s “Watch What Happens Live” that she engages in sexting, threesomes, and previously discussed the art of rolling a joint with host Andy Cohen, thus concluding her one woman campaign to ruin sex and drugs for everyone else on Earth.

Alec Baldwin is on the defense after attacking a report via twitter who accused his wife of texting during James Gandolfini’s funeral. Baldwin called the reporter a “toxic little queen” and said he would like to “shove his foot up his ass” but worried the queen would like it too much. Oh, Alec, you may dress Manhattan but your Strong Island trashy roots always poke through.

Paris disses Justin, Paula Deen’s Southern Fried Racism, & Kim and Kayne Win the Bad Baby Name Olympics

Actor Charlie Sheen has reportedly threatened to quit his FX show Anger Management if co-star Selma Blair isn’t fired. Sheen is furious with Blair for telling crew members he has a poor work ethic. In a related incident, Sheen demanded a boom operator be fired for saying the sky is blue.

While in the hospital, Paris Jackson said she hates Justin Bieber and thinks he’s a poor role model for his fans. Yeah, he’s been famous, how long, and he hasn’t been accused of molesting one kid yet. What’s the deal Bieber?

Paula Deen was in court this week facing charges of creating a racially discriminatory workplace. Deen admitted to using the N word in the past, but swears she never referred to her workers that way and says she never used the word in a mean way. Oh, so you used one of the most hateful words in the English language but you meant it in a friendly way, ok!

In a recent interview with Rolling Stone, Serena Williams questioned what the Stuebenville rape victim was doing getting so drunk. The tennis star has recently apologized for what she supposedly said but Rolling Stone stands by the quote, saying Williams was recorded for the interview. Translation: I’m sorry I offended people, but I didn’t think they would print the ignorant thing I said while being taped.

At a recent event for the Trevor Project, an organization providing suicide prevention support for LGBT youth, Jersey Shore star Snooki said she hopes her infant son Lorenzo grows up to be gay. Oh, Honey, with the amount of drunken Mommy crotch shots this kid has in his future, there’s no way he’s going to be into women.

House Majority Leader Mitch McConnell finds it absurd that democrats are against a bill allowing corporations the same rights as people. However, to be fair, Republicans are against half the human population from having rights, so it kind of evens out.

According to reports, Kanye West banned the Keeping Up With the Kardashians camera crew from the delivery room while girlfriend Kim Kardashian gave birth to their daughter. The only camera allowed belonged to Kim’s mother Kris who swears she will only share the footage with family. Oh, Kanye, you really don’t know the Kardashians very well. America is their family.
According to multiple reports, Kim Kardashian has named her newborn daughter North West. Oh, oh, Kim. That is going to get old quick, but, then again, so if this entire motherhood thing.

Rumor has it that the name North had been chosen after Vogue editor-in-chief Anna Wintour told the couple she liked the name. Kim, Anna Wintour is not your friend. She wasn’t giving her blessing, she was punking you!
Those who grew up in the 90s might remember a children’s film called “North” about a kid who divorces his neglectful parents, making North West the first person to ever have her biopic made before she was born.

Farrah makes friends, Lindsay moves out, & Kim moves in with Mommy

Farrah Abraham recently attempted to court star Charlie Sheen, inviting him out via text messages that she then shared with the public via twitter. The star, now known best for his porn star and drugged filled personal life told her to lose his number in a rant where he calls the Teen Mom a desperate guzzler of stagnant douche agua. Wow, Farrah, you out declassed Charlie Sheen, that’s kind of an achievement.

NSA whistleblower Eric Snowden may receive political asylum from Russia. Hey, Snowden, I don’t know if you heard about this other thing in the news, drones. Good luck with all that.

Prior to the birth of her first child, Kim Kardashian has moved back in with her mom Kris Jenner. Wow Kanye, moving in with the mom of the girlfriend you knocked up after six months after dating her, when did you become the Ritalin dealer that lives down the street from my parents?

After signing what is known as the “Merry Christmas” Bill an effort to stop the War on Christmas, Texas governor Rick Perry said “Freedom of religion does not mean freedom from religion” saying the Constitution does not forbid religious expression. State senator Robert Nichols quoted Jefferson saying “price of liberty is eternal vigilance” saying removing Christmas trees from schools is an invasion of our freedoms. That Jefferson guy also had this whole separation of church and state thing he was really big about. Ever hear of that?

Lindsay Lohan has recently left the Betty Ford clinic to continue her treatment at Cliffside in Malibu. Sources say the Lohan was difficult while at the clinic demanding to be given her Adderall. Why can’t the people at the Betty Ford clinic understand that Lindsay needs her Adderall and can’t live without it and if they just give her Adderall everything will be fine!

Bieber in Space, Joe Francis Gone Wild, & Don’t Touch Rhianna’s lipstick

A woman is suing Rhianna claiming the singer’s RiRi Woo lipstick gave her herpes, saying free samples given out at a recent concert were used by multiple people, causing her to be infected. “Right, she got herpes from the lipstick, that’s it,” says the woman’s boyfriend.

A judge finalized the divorce of Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries, over a year and a half after the reality star filed to end their 72 day old marriage. Kardashian can now focus on ending her relationship with baby daddy Kanye West. Kanye, her divorce lasted seven times as long as her marriage, you’re having a kid with her, you better pack a lunch, because you’re in for quite the ride when this relationship goes in the crapper.

Katy Perry and John Mayer were seen canoodling over the weekend, sparking rumors they’re giving romance a third try. You know what, I don’t hate on this couple, they are keeping the herpes in the family and I respect that.

Girls Gone Wild founder Joe Francis is frantically trying to stop the release of a sex tape featuring him and his current girlfriend. Francis does not want the public seeing something so private but after a few jell-o shots and a free t-shirt maybe he’ll change his mind.

Billionaire Richard Branson announced that Justin Bieber and his manger has booked seats on Virgin Galactic, which allows tourists to explore space. While Branson is planning on sending the pop star into orbit, the rest of us our trying to figure out how to get him to stay there.

Bieber demands respect, Brad Pitt will forget your fan, and the Jersey Shore is back in business


After winning the fan-voted on Milestone Award at the Billboard Music Award, Justin  Bieber received boos declaring himself an artist that should be respected. Hon, your most famous song has a chorus that’s just “Baby, Baby, Baby Oh!”, if you’re an artist, you’re the guy who tries to pass the blank canvas as a polar bear walking through a blizzard.


Twilight stars Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson have broken up. The two decided to call it quits when they realized they didn’t have any more Twilight movies to make and therefore are no longer contractually required to date each other.


Oklahoma senator James Inhofe is requesting federal aid for victims of this week’s tornado, despite voting against a bill for Sandy relief earlier, saying his request for funds is totally different. You see, this natural disaster effects people that vote for him, so it’s very important they get their money.  


Senator Rand Paul is demanding that Congress apologize to Apple for investigating how the technology giant avoided paying any taxes saying that he was offended that the government was bullying one of our country’s biggest success stories. The Tea Party darling asked what did Apple do that was illegal. Umm, they didn’t pay their taxes. You didn’t seem so upset when Wesley Snipes and Lauren Hill went to jail for not paying their taxes, just saying.


Kim Kardashian sent friends and family music boxes playing Kanye’s song “Hey Mama” as invitations to her upcoming baby shower because nothing says class like a music box invitation to the baby shower of a woman know chiefly for a sex tape that plays a song by the dude who knocked her up.


The FDA has approved a study to examine the effects of the ecstasy on adults suffering from social anxiety. Scientists believe the drug could provide therapeutic results for patients or, at the very least, everybody likes the guy who’s got ecstasy.


In a recent interview Brad Pitt admitted he is terrible at remember faces and frequently insults people when he fails to recognize them. So basically if you want to stalk Brad Pitt, just tell him you’re Maddox, he’ll probably believe you.


The Boy Scouts of America voted to lift the ban on gay scouts, however, gay leaders are still forbidden by the organization which sends a clear message that you can be gay when it’s cute and harmless but on your eighteenth birthday you just get icky again.


Cleveland hero Charles Ramsey was rewarded by McDonald’s with a year of free food after admitting that he was eating a Big Mac when he discovered the three kidnapped women in his neighbor’s house. Not to be out done, over a dozen local restaurants have agreed to give Ramsey free burgers for life. This just in from the future, Cleveland hero Charles Ramsey has died from a burger induced heart attack.


Governor Chris Christie officially opened the Jersey Shore for the summer, seven months after Sandy severely damaged the region. Christie says that visitors will see that eighty percent of the Shore is back to normal, he even sprinkled the beach with used syringes so regulars will feel right at home.


A teacher in Texas accused of fondling a young student says she cannot be guilty because the child is black and she avoids even hugging her black students out of prejudice. Oh, so you’re not a child molester but you are a racist, oh go right ahead and continue teaching our youth.


In a recent interview, former president George W. Bush said it’s been hard adjusting to life after the presidency saying, “one day you’re being briefed on world affairs and asked to make decisions, and the next, you’re in Crawford, Texas … and the biggest decision is when do you go mountain bike riding.” Let’s be fair Mr. President, even when you were commander in chief, you were still mostly thinking about mountain biking.


A Maine man known as the North Pond Hermit who is currently in jail after stealing food from a camp for those with special needs and has lived in the woods with seemingly no human contact in almost thirty years, has received a marriage proposal. Meanwhile, an accountant with three cats has just updated his JDate profile.


Teen Mom star Farrah Abrahams is telling reports she never attended to make a sex tape with porn star James Deen, but had originally hired Deen and a film crew to film a wedding video. Wow, don’t you just hate when the imaginary wedding video you make with a film crew and an adult film actor you just met because just another disgusting sex tape? I can’t tell you how many innocent wedding videos I’ve tried to film only to have them suddenly get all porny on me.


Sharon Osbourne was seen without her wedding ring while moving into a new home sparking rumors that she was parting ways with her rocker husband Ozzy Osbourne. He’s cheated on her, done drugs, he even bit the head off a live bird, what could he do to piss Sharon off, remember her birthday?


During her divorce proceedings Kim Kardashian admitted she spends more time away from boyfriend Kanye West than with him.This news was followed by rumors that the two are fighting because Kanye wants to live in Paris, while Kardashian does not want to leave her family and reality show in LA. Wow, if these fame obsessed, attention whores can’t make it work, what hope do any of us have?


Barney creator Sheryl Leach is being sued by a neighbor for letting her mentally unstable twenty-seven year old son own a gun. Wow, childhood is being murder one beloved character at a time. Barney has a crazy gun wielding son, Elmo’s having sex with teenage boys, what next, we’re going to find out Mr. Rogers wear all those sweaters to hide track marks?


A man in Tacoma has been charged with bigamy after Facebook suggested his first wife become friends with his other wife in their “People You May Know” feature. Stranger still, this is not the first time this has happen, giving Facebook the official title of “Worst wingman ever”.


Ohio lawmakers have added an amendment to a budget bill making it illegal for schools to teach any form of sex ed because studies show nothing gets teenagers going like their middle aged health teacher awkwardly describing how a penis works.


Conservative pundit Glenn Reynolds tweeted at former congresswomen and shooting victim Gabby Giffords “Try more respect and reason, less emotional bullying next time” in regards to gun control, because if there’s a group who knows for bullying, it’s women who’ve been shot in the head.