Darth Vader Runs Through Death Valley

A professional runner, who favors running in the extreme heat, ran a mile in 129 degree weather while dressed as Darth Vader. Afterwards, the runner warned only trained professional to try a similar stunt. But considering he’s a grown man who owns a Darth Vader costume, it’s probably a good idea to not try anything he does, yourself.

Kim Punks her Friends, Paula Continues to Flail, & Alec Baldwin Reminds Us He Can Be A Jerk

Kim Kardashian apparently sent fake pictures of her newborn baby to friends and is shocked to discover that one of the recipients tried to sell the photo to the media. The nerve of some people! If anyone is going to exploit little North West, it’s going to be her mother or grandmother or one of her aunts! The line’s long so get to the end of it traitor!

Paula Deen said in an interview with Matt Lauer that it “makes her skin crawl” to hear young black men call each other the N word. Well, I’m sorry Paula that you get the case of the sads when you hear others hear the forbidden word you long to call them.

Shortly after it was announced that the Supreme Court ruled DOMA unconstitutional, actress Kristen Bell proposed to boyfriend Dax Shepard, after saying she would not marry until gay marriage was legal nationwide, because that’s what so many have been fighting so long for, the right for Kristen Bell to marry her heterosexual baby daddy.

Martha Stewart recently admitted on Bravo’s “Watch What Happens Live” that she engages in sexting, threesomes, and previously discussed the art of rolling a joint with host Andy Cohen, thus concluding her one woman campaign to ruin sex and drugs for everyone else on Earth.

Alec Baldwin is on the defense after attacking a report via twitter who accused his wife of texting during James Gandolfini’s funeral. Baldwin called the reporter a “toxic little queen” and said he would like to “shove his foot up his ass” but worried the queen would like it too much. Oh, Alec, you may dress Manhattan but your Strong Island trashy roots always poke through.

Paris disses Justin, Paula Deen’s Southern Fried Racism, & Kim and Kayne Win the Bad Baby Name Olympics

Actor Charlie Sheen has reportedly threatened to quit his FX show Anger Management if co-star Selma Blair isn’t fired. Sheen is furious with Blair for telling crew members he has a poor work ethic. In a related incident, Sheen demanded a boom operator be fired for saying the sky is blue.

While in the hospital, Paris Jackson said she hates Justin Bieber and thinks he’s a poor role model for his fans. Yeah, he’s been famous, how long, and he hasn’t been accused of molesting one kid yet. What’s the deal Bieber?

Paula Deen was in court this week facing charges of creating a racially discriminatory workplace. Deen admitted to using the N word in the past, but swears she never referred to her workers that way and says she never used the word in a mean way. Oh, so you used one of the most hateful words in the English language but you meant it in a friendly way, ok!

In a recent interview with Rolling Stone, Serena Williams questioned what the Stuebenville rape victim was doing getting so drunk. The tennis star has recently apologized for what she supposedly said but Rolling Stone stands by the quote, saying Williams was recorded for the interview. Translation: I’m sorry I offended people, but I didn’t think they would print the ignorant thing I said while being taped.

At a recent event for the Trevor Project, an organization providing suicide prevention support for LGBT youth, Jersey Shore star Snooki said she hopes her infant son Lorenzo grows up to be gay. Oh, Honey, with the amount of drunken Mommy crotch shots this kid has in his future, there’s no way he’s going to be into women.

House Majority Leader Mitch McConnell finds it absurd that democrats are against a bill allowing corporations the same rights as people. However, to be fair, Republicans are against half the human population from having rights, so it kind of evens out.

According to reports, Kanye West banned the Keeping Up With the Kardashians camera crew from the delivery room while girlfriend Kim Kardashian gave birth to their daughter. The only camera allowed belonged to Kim’s mother Kris who swears she will only share the footage with family. Oh, Kanye, you really don’t know the Kardashians very well. America is their family.
According to multiple reports, Kim Kardashian has named her newborn daughter North West. Oh, oh, Kim. That is going to get old quick, but, then again, so if this entire motherhood thing.

Rumor has it that the name North had been chosen after Vogue editor-in-chief Anna Wintour told the couple she liked the name. Kim, Anna Wintour is not your friend. She wasn’t giving her blessing, she was punking you!
Those who grew up in the 90s might remember a children’s film called “North” about a kid who divorces his neglectful parents, making North West the first person to ever have her biopic made before she was born.

Farrah makes friends, Lindsay moves out, & Kim moves in with Mommy

Farrah Abraham recently attempted to court star Charlie Sheen, inviting him out via text messages that she then shared with the public via twitter. The star, now known best for his porn star and drugged filled personal life told her to lose his number in a rant where he calls the Teen Mom a desperate guzzler of stagnant douche agua. Wow, Farrah, you out declassed Charlie Sheen, that’s kind of an achievement.

NSA whistleblower Eric Snowden may receive political asylum from Russia. Hey, Snowden, I don’t know if you heard about this other thing in the news, drones. Good luck with all that.

Prior to the birth of her first child, Kim Kardashian has moved back in with her mom Kris Jenner. Wow Kanye, moving in with the mom of the girlfriend you knocked up after six months after dating her, when did you become the Ritalin dealer that lives down the street from my parents?

After signing what is known as the “Merry Christmas” Bill an effort to stop the War on Christmas, Texas governor Rick Perry said “Freedom of religion does not mean freedom from religion” saying the Constitution does not forbid religious expression. State senator Robert Nichols quoted Jefferson saying “price of liberty is eternal vigilance” saying removing Christmas trees from schools is an invasion of our freedoms. That Jefferson guy also had this whole separation of church and state thing he was really big about. Ever hear of that?

Lindsay Lohan has recently left the Betty Ford clinic to continue her treatment at Cliffside in Malibu. Sources say the Lohan was difficult while at the clinic demanding to be given her Adderall. Why can’t the people at the Betty Ford clinic understand that Lindsay needs her Adderall and can’t live without it and if they just give her Adderall everything will be fine!

Bieber in Space, Joe Francis Gone Wild, & Don’t Touch Rhianna’s lipstick

A woman is suing Rhianna claiming the singer’s RiRi Woo lipstick gave her herpes, saying free samples given out at a recent concert were used by multiple people, causing her to be infected. “Right, she got herpes from the lipstick, that’s it,” says the woman’s boyfriend.

A judge finalized the divorce of Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries, over a year and a half after the reality star filed to end their 72 day old marriage. Kardashian can now focus on ending her relationship with baby daddy Kanye West. Kanye, her divorce lasted seven times as long as her marriage, you’re having a kid with her, you better pack a lunch, because you’re in for quite the ride when this relationship goes in the crapper.

Katy Perry and John Mayer were seen canoodling over the weekend, sparking rumors they’re giving romance a third try. You know what, I don’t hate on this couple, they are keeping the herpes in the family and I respect that.

Girls Gone Wild founder Joe Francis is frantically trying to stop the release of a sex tape featuring him and his current girlfriend. Francis does not want the public seeing something so private but after a few jell-o shots and a free t-shirt maybe he’ll change his mind.

Billionaire Richard Branson announced that Justin Bieber and his manger has booked seats on Virgin Galactic, which allows tourists to explore space. While Branson is planning on sending the pop star into orbit, the rest of us our trying to figure out how to get him to stay there.

Amanda Bynes still claims she’s drug-free, Surprise- Roman Polanski is not a feminist, & Michelle Bachmann’s post Congress plans

Former child star Amanda Bynes is threatening to sue the NYPD, claiming she was sexually assaulted while be falsely arrested for drug possession. After many reporting they have seen the actress smoking marijuana and the cops saying she threw a bong out her window when they came to arrest her, Bynes insists she has never done drugs. Honey, in one weekend you’ve threatened the NYPD, possibly started a Twitter war with Rhianna, and even Courtney Love is telling you to get a hold of yourself, all while wearing a wig you got from the dollar store, at this point saying you’re on drugs will work in your favor.

Director Roman Polanski recently said he feels the birth control pill has masculated today’s woman and that the leveling of the sexes is idiotic. Sorry that protecting our bodies makes us ladies less rapable to you Roman Polanski, we’ll work on that.

Minnesota Congresswoman Michelle Bachmann announced that she will not seek reelection saying that she believes eight years is long enough for anyone to be in one political position but we know the real reason she’s stepping down is so she can solve mysteries with fellow out of work politician, Sarah Palin.

A man in Maine kidnapped a women with the intent to be herald as a hero when he saved her later, only to accidentally kill her. Well, on the bright side, Dude, now that you’re going to jail. you’re definitely going to get laid, just probably not the way you were hoping to.

Zac Hanson, the youngest member of the pop group Hanson, will be a father for the third time. This will be the tenth child for the musical brothers and another step in their plan to have an army of Hanson super men enslave us all.

Bieber demands respect, Brad Pitt will forget your fan, and the Jersey Shore is back in business


After winning the fan-voted on Milestone Award at the Billboard Music Award, Justin  Bieber received boos declaring himself an artist that should be respected. Hon, your most famous song has a chorus that’s just “Baby, Baby, Baby Oh!”, if you’re an artist, you’re the guy who tries to pass the blank canvas as a polar bear walking through a blizzard.


Twilight stars Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson have broken up. The two decided to call it quits when they realized they didn’t have any more Twilight movies to make and therefore are no longer contractually required to date each other.


Oklahoma senator James Inhofe is requesting federal aid for victims of this week’s tornado, despite voting against a bill for Sandy relief earlier, saying his request for funds is totally different. You see, this natural disaster effects people that vote for him, so it’s very important they get their money.  


Senator Rand Paul is demanding that Congress apologize to Apple for investigating how the technology giant avoided paying any taxes saying that he was offended that the government was bullying one of our country’s biggest success stories. The Tea Party darling asked what did Apple do that was illegal. Umm, they didn’t pay their taxes. You didn’t seem so upset when Wesley Snipes and Lauren Hill went to jail for not paying their taxes, just saying.


Kim Kardashian sent friends and family music boxes playing Kanye’s song “Hey Mama” as invitations to her upcoming baby shower because nothing says class like a music box invitation to the baby shower of a woman know chiefly for a sex tape that plays a song by the dude who knocked her up.


The FDA has approved a study to examine the effects of the ecstasy on adults suffering from social anxiety. Scientists believe the drug could provide therapeutic results for patients or, at the very least, everybody likes the guy who’s got ecstasy.


In a recent interview Brad Pitt admitted he is terrible at remember faces and frequently insults people when he fails to recognize them. So basically if you want to stalk Brad Pitt, just tell him you’re Maddox, he’ll probably believe you.


The Boy Scouts of America voted to lift the ban on gay scouts, however, gay leaders are still forbidden by the organization which sends a clear message that you can be gay when it’s cute and harmless but on your eighteenth birthday you just get icky again.


Cleveland hero Charles Ramsey was rewarded by McDonald’s with a year of free food after admitting that he was eating a Big Mac when he discovered the three kidnapped women in his neighbor’s house. Not to be out done, over a dozen local restaurants have agreed to give Ramsey free burgers for life. This just in from the future, Cleveland hero Charles Ramsey has died from a burger induced heart attack.


Governor Chris Christie officially opened the Jersey Shore for the summer, seven months after Sandy severely damaged the region. Christie says that visitors will see that eighty percent of the Shore is back to normal, he even sprinkled the beach with used syringes so regulars will feel right at home.

May 7 2013- Vanilla Ice’s Amish Adventure, Bieber’s Masculinity, & Obama’s Potential Tramp Stamp


Rapper Vanilla Ice will star in a new reality show called “Vanilla Ice Goes Amish” where the former star will live with “no frills, no music, and no power tools”. Vanilla Ice, just because you’re broke, doesn’t mean you’re Amish. It just means you’re a has-been.


Chris Brown’s father recently told the Daily News that he disapproves of his son getting back together with his ex Rihanna. I can understand why he wouldn’t like Rihanna, she seems to like to party, her lyrics are very sexual, she’s always smashing her face into his son’s face. Almost anyone would seem like a better match.


Proving once again she always has her priorities in order, Lindsay Lohan claims to have packed almost three hundred different outfits for her 90 day rehab stay. This had her rethink her choice of rehab facility as the one she planned on attending has a limit on how much luggage one can bring with you. I’m with Lindsay on this one. How can she be expected to focus on recovery when everyone around her has all ready seen her in that outfit?


CNN, in an attempt to help viewers visualize the prison cell the surviving Boston bomber is currently staying in, set up a small tent on the street, with Wolf Blitzer regularly going to the tent for updates. CNN, you gotta let this one go! The Boston Bombing is your white buffalo, the more you go after it, the worse you look. I know this is a big story but other things are going on, maybe focus on them for a little while before you solidify your status as the Honey Boo-Boo of cable news.


In a recent interview, President Obama said he has threatened his daughters that if they ever get tattoos, then he and Michelle will get tattoos too. This could lead Obama to not only be the first black president, but the first president to have a tramp stamp.


A recent study showed that only 1 in 5 Americans get enough exercise. The other 80% waiting to exercise when they are big enough to be a Biggest Loser contestant.


Former governor and VP hopeful Sarah Palin accused Democrats of exploiting the Newton tragedy to push gun control. Yeah, Democrats, tragedies can only be exploited if terrorism is involved or someone can find a way to blame it on the gays. Learn the rules!


In a recent interview Justin Bieber said he worries if a girl asked him out, it would damage his masculinity. He does realize 2 in 3 lesbians are mistaken for him and he’s been waxing his brows since he grew out his bangs? His masculinity isn’t just damaged; it’s been in a coma for five years.


Jason’s Collins ex-fiancé Carolyn Moos is furious with him for coming out, claiming the basketball star stole eight years of her child-bearing life and is planning to freeze her eggs so she is ready for when Mr. Right comes along. Moos says her dream date is spending the day shopping, then go see a Broadway musical, and then wrap up the night by splitting a bottle of wine and watching a Real Housewives marathon so guys get in line!


Internet star Antoine Dodson claims he is no longer gay and wants to settle down and start a family, saying a recent conversion to Judaism caused the change of heart. Hey, Carolyn Moos, I hear somebody’s single!